Brokenness Shielded

1 Peter 1:5, “…who through faith are shielded by God’s power”.

My iPad screen shattered. The worst part was that it happened a few days before we left for a vacation and an already expensive week of the summer.

Brokenness Exposed.

Brokenness Exposed.

The shattered glass was held safely behind the screen protector my son insisted I buy a few months prior. (Lesson #1: Parents listen to your tech savvy kids). As I slid my finger across the screen to access my accounts, I felt miniscule shards of glass slipping out from under the on/off button.
With a sick feeling in my gut because of the damage, I talked it over with my husband and decided to get it fixed before leaving on vacation. After paying the $135, I left the store with a brand new screen and a tempered glass screen protector. Not only was I relieved but I was also ready to be even more careful with my treasured device.

A few days later I was still plagued by the whole thing. I kept reliving the whole situation over and over in my mind – from the accident of dropping my iPad, to the unexpected dollar amount, the timing, and the fact that I’m so attached to it. Don’t judge. I know – not healthy.

That’s when the Holy Spirit intervened for some much needed teaching.

Brokenness. We all have it. Whether we want to admit it or not.
Mine is shielded. Not to be mistaken for hidden. There is a difference you know. Let me explain.

If we hide our brokenness (aka. Flaws, weaknesses), we are quicker to get defensive when it is threatened to be exposed. Several blogs ago I shared about having an anger problem. Appropriately titled, “Anger Management”. Back then, I was hiding my brokenness and my struggle. The Enemy knew it and pushed harder on my weaknesses. My flesh followed suit and I sinned in my anger. Leaving shards of pain with my words and sometimes my actions.

With God’s help, I learned that I needed to allow Him to shield my brokenness, allowing Him to protect and guard my heart. So when I did get angry and felt weak, I knew that He was my Shield who was covering me and I could endure whatever the situation at hand.
In essence, He holds my broken pieces together. He will hold yours together too, if you let Him.

Once in awhile, when my spiritual armor (Ephesians 6) is not fitting properly (probably because of unconfessed sin in my life), a small shard of brokenness breaks away and falls into your life.
I am sorry. It is sharp and imperfect and it might make you say more than “ouch” or “eww”. But don’t worry, others have had a front row seat to your brokenness. You may need to ask God to help you love your pieces back into place.

Our brokenness is God’s job to keep together. He is my Shield. Is He yours?
Over the years as the LORD has revealed my brokenness to me, I have come to recognize Him as the more-improved “tempered glass” kind of Shield.

Remember my shattered screen from my iPad? Yes, the store did replace the broken screen and the tempered glass screen protector. When I got home, I noticed a fingerprint that wouldn’t come off. I quickly realized that it was under the protective screen. As I was tempted to get angry, the Holy Spirit calmed me and gave me this idea – the fingerprint would be a reminder of God’s Fingerprint in my life because it is by His Hand I am put back together, shielded and protected.
REFLECTION:

When does your brokenness show up the most?
What or who is your shield?
How do you feel when your brokenness spills out?
How do you respond when your brokenness is exposed?

Thank you for accepting me in my brokenness.

Kinita

Anger Management

My quills are sharp and ready to fire. I need to protect myself from you, from her, from him and from them. Welcome to my wake up call.

angry porcupine 2

I was a young wife and mother and had become a porcupine, “one who rises in anger”. I had an anger problem. Notice I said, “had”? Well, some of those emotions have come up in me again. The good news is, I am not her anymore.

…let me explain…

Years ago, I had a real problem with anger. I self-classified myself as an almost-errupting-volcano often. You wouldn’t recognize me today if you knew me then. I would yell at my kids and fight with my husband and for certain, didn’t like myself very much. It was a tough road to travel for sure. One that had me trapped in fear, anxiety, mistrust and rejection. Who would want to hug a porcupine anyway? I believed I deserved the treatment I was receiving. The results of that anger soon had a ripple effect from my marriage to my parenting to my friendships that eventually lead me to counseling and even anti-depressants for a short time. The marks of my quills had scarred my children, my husband and my soul. I believed I was beyond forgiveness.

I was wrong.

With the help of some trusted friends, my counsellor, my husband and the Holy Spirit, I began to address the reasons behind my anger. As much as the feelings I experienced were justified, my choice to sin in that anger were not. I needed true forgiveness. I received it from all parties involved.

At one point, I even made a list…a very long list, of all the things and people that were making me angry. I sat before the LORD and spoke out my anger to Him. Over the following months and years He covered my quills with His healing, grace, comfort, patience, peace, restoration, sensitivity, confidence, acceptance and His value for me.

IMG_1787

It was as though I had become a sheep. He had covered all of my quills and transformed me completely.

sheep 5

So here we are now, years later with the pressures of the past year taking their toll on me. In the past few months especially, I have been wondering why I am feeling so prickly again.

Then it happens…..the LORD shows me myself. Not how He sees me – a sheep. He shows me what I am becoming again – a porcupine.

Thus my wake up call.

I am seeing my quills exposed again in some areas and I am ready to fire them if I need to. But I don’t because of the Grace of God in my life and I don’t want the enemy to win.

I know God is still protecting me but I also know that the Enemy is roaming around like a lion waiting for someone to devour. Even though I have felt the need to protect myself, I will not give in to his taunts to fail and go back to being my old self.  angry porcupine 1

I start to realize that the more I try to protect myself, the more angry I become because it isn’t working.

What am I to do?

I am to put my spiritual armor on (Ephesians 6). I am to confess my shortcomings, frustrations and feelings. I am to surround myself with people who will pray me through this. I will fight the Enemy and trust God to protect every inch of my being.

sheep 1

You see, I need Jesus!! I need Him every minute of every hour of every day. I cannot do this life without Him. He is my Covering. He is my Peace. He is my Protector. He is my Rock. He is my only Comfort in life and in death. He is my Portion. He is my Shield. I am His sheep.

Underneath, I am still the porcupine but as I remain close to Jesus, my Shepherd, He continues to see me as a sheep.

I choose to see me as a sheep as well.

I choose to submit to God with all my heart.

I choose to take every thought and feeling captive.

I choose to remember that God will never leave me or forsake me.

I choose to trust God to soften my hard spots.

I choose to stand on His Word, my Rock.

I choose to surrender.

How about you?

How do you manage your anger?

Are you a porcupine or a sheep?

How do you tend to protect yourself?

What gets your quills fired up?

Where are you seeing the covering of God in your life?

Thank you for taking this journey with me.

Blessings,

Kinita